The other night I had a dream that I put on an exhibition called “Selfies Through the Ages”. At first I thought that I’d probably spent a bit too much with my iPhone surgically attached to my hand to be letting it slip into my subconscious so often (I often wake up panicked in the night cos I’ve dreamt I smashed the screen), but then I thought that would be a really great exhibition. Seeing as I’m swimming deep into my overdraft right now and can’t remember the last time I ate meat, putting one on isn’t really feasible, so using the skills taught to me on my Contemporary Art History degree, I’ve put together a hypothetical exhibition.
1. Jan Van Eyck – Portrait Of Man
This little number is thought to be the first ever Self Portrait that is still in existence. Pretty cool right? Painted in 1433, I present to you the very first Selfie. Van Eyck is literally the route of your late night pout sessions in a toilet cubicle. I’m sure he didn’t quite envision that this would be the path to capturing the essence of an artist, but he is definitely rocking the stern eyes, side profile, outlandish headwear and fur coat combo that can be found on any Scouse prinnys photo stream.
2. Raphael – Portrait of Raphael
In the Renaissance, selfies were all the rage. This Master shows of his prowess with a fresh faced look, slightly groomed, which would fall into the #nofilter & #nomakeup range of morning shots on Instagram. Self portraits showed that you were wealthy and interesting you see, kind of like how they show now that you can make yourself look good with the right angle and the right phone, and every microblogger thinks they’re interesting. Every human does. Narcissism runs deep but so many are afraid to admit their self love. Stop self deprecating via the hashtag, the Medicis had no shame in a nice photo, and so should you.
3. Rembrandt – The Prodigal Son in the Tavern
Rembrandts selfie from the 17th century depicts him and his wife Saskia having a great time. Any respected “selfie taker” should know that in order to side step your vanity complex and make sure people don’t think you’re that obsessed with yourself that you have to a few pictures with your mates, or ideally your significant other. It shows people that you are loved, and pretty. What a better way to rub in the fact you’re desirable than to have a myspace angle picture of you and your beaux looking inseparable. Rembrandt knew what was up.
4. Jean-Baptiste-Simeon Chardin – Self Portrait
A true selfie taker knows that every big occasion in your life needs to be marked by a filter photo of your recent success. As Simon Armitage said, the most human of all responses is to gloat, and the iPhone generation makes all that possible instant. What is one of the biggest reasons a human will gloat? They’ve landed a job. Due to us proudly entering our third recession in two years, the gloat isn’t just for you landing your dream job anymore, it is any job. Hence when you search #newjob on Instagram, you are presented live time with a sea of snaps detailing peoples new professions which they on some social media level think “represents them”. From cheap suits to McJob hats, cheap polyester blouses with plastic name tags to improbably high heels, they’re all there screaming “I can pay my rent!”. Chardin spent his life being an artist, so instead of having on his weekend wear for his selfie, showing his personable side, he too was a fan of letting everyone know exactly what he did and how good he was at it, so all his self portraits show him in his studio wear. He didn’t need any gold chains to let the world know he was successful.
6. Robert Cornelius
Can we all have a moment for Robert Cornelius, who in 1839, took the first ever photographed self portrait. What a STUD. This man is the pioneer of sharing your vanity, or in more creative terms, capturing your soul. It is a good job they captured his face because what a face it was, and can you imagine being responsible for the next two hundred years of self love? Good one Bob.
5. Vincent Van Gogh – Self Portrait
Ladies and gentlemen, let me present to you the mother of all Self Portraits, and the inspiration behind this post: Van Gogh. What an artists complex eh? He spent his whole life tackling depression because he was so talented but no one recognised it. He was a very sickly alcoholic who smoked like a chimney and cut off his ear, and died without ever selling a painting. Talk about sad. Obviously as a result he has been romanticised as the epitome of a true artist, with a narcissism issue to boot. Dozens and dozens of self portraits make up Van Goghs repertoire, and I think on a level through his melancholy he kind of digged his look. Recently a Lithuanian artist Tadao Cern unravelled the swirls in Self Portrait 1889 to reveal what he’d look like in the flesh, paint aside, and revealed the great hair, piercing blue eyes, strong jawline and wicked blue blazer Van Gogh was rocking aged 36, 1 year before his death.
6. Frida Kahlo – Self Portrait with Thorn Necklace and Hummingbird
I love Frida Kahlo, always have, always will. She dealt with SO MUCH SHIT, her asshole of a husband Diego Rieviera, getting a bus pole impaled through her body as a teenager, and a life time of health problems associated with that. Yet she still made wicked art work, including a legion of selfless selfies in which she always looks like the powerful and strong despite the sadness that enveloped her from inside. Fourth wave feminism has seen a new rise in respect for Kahlo and she is seen as a pinnacle artist of the feminist movement especially among young girls, which is great because she is such a good role model. If Frida Kahlo was a subsection of the selfie genre, she would 100% be the tumblr girl selfie. Imagine “Self Portrait with Thorn Necklace and Hummingbird” as a photo with a heavily edited background and perhaps the caption “bad bitch”, and it would look completely normal on your dashboard. Especially with those wicked eyebrows, Frida had the definition down way before you guys.
7. Flickr – Selfies
The first time a digital selfie was taken is impossible to pin point, but it is thought the phrase kicked off on Flickr in 2005 with a group pool entailed “Selfies”. It started as a bands flickr group and mutated into a group of digital self portraits with the user Keep.It.Up.Darling adding a bunch of photos of herself that fit well into the idea of the Myspace snap shot, which is arguably where the internet took selfies as their own. In July 2009 it found itself defined on Urban Dictionary and it earned its right as a meme.
8. The Best Selfie Ever Taken
The best rated definition of selfie on Urban Dictionary is as follows:
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A picture taken of yourself that is planned to be uploaded to Facebook, Myspace or any other sort of social networking website. You can usually see the person’s arm holding out the camera in which case you can clearly tell that this person does not have any friends to take pictures of them so they resort to Myspace to find internet friends and post pictures of themselves, taken by themselves. A selfie is usually accompanied by a kissy face or the individual looking in a direction that is not towards the camera. |
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Which just about sums it up nicely. Duck faces aside though, sometimes selfies can be used for good. I present to you, the BEST selfie ever taken, at least in response to the digital age:
punching 